When Your Gut Says Something Isn’t Right in Youth Sports
Lessons our family learned the hard way about grooming, silence, and trusting your instincts as a parent.
After my last post about the hockey coach and the long road it took for justice to finally happen, a lot of people reached out, and I’m so glad you did.❤️
🚨But there’s something I didn’t share in that post.
Years later, after we had moved to a different town and put that chapter of our lives behind us, our family found ourselves recognizing some of those same warning signs again.
This time it was with another one of our children.
A completely different sport.
A completely different town.
But the feeling was eerily familiar.
One of the hardest things about youth sports isn’t the travel, the cost, or the crazy schedules.
It’s what happens when your gut tells you something isn’t right.
And even harder than that-
is when nobody else wants to hear it.
Years ago during the hockey situation, we learned how subtle these things can begin.
The moment that still sticks with me, for our son, happened during a game. That hockey coach-who wasn’t even coaching his game- pulled him away from the bench during a game and took him aside alone for a few minutes. It might not sound like much, but my husband has what I call an eagle eye. Something about it didn’t sit right with him, and he watched closely.
After the game he asked our son what that conversation was about. My son-around 11/12 at the time- told us that coach (JJ) told him amongst other things- he was the best hockey player he has seen and wanted to coach him.
Our son absolutely loved that coach. He admired him and trusted him, just like so many kids do with the adults who coach them.
And that’s part of what makes these situations so complicated.
People who behave this way are often incredibly convincing.
They know how to win over kids.
They know how to win over parents.
They know how to present themselves as the most dedicated coach in the room.
They are expert groomers.
That’s why so many good families get pulled in.
Grooming rarely starts with something obvious or criminal. It starts small. So when we saw these signs from our daughter’s coach, we knew it wasn’t OK. These are signs to look for:
Private communication with players outside normal team channels.
Favoritism or special attention toward certain athletes.
Isolating players from the group.
Emotional pressure or intimidation.
Sometimes it’s even smaller things.
Giving gifts to certain girls.
Telling them not to tell anyone.
Healthy coaching environments don’t require secrets.
Years after the hockey situation, when we started noticing some of those same patterns again in another sport, it made our stomachs turn.
The difference this time was that we knew what to look for.
And we weren’t the only ones noticing.
Another parent on the team saw it too. In many ways she reminded me of myself years earlier during the hockey situation. She had that same uncomfortable feeling that something wasn’t right and couldn’t ignore it.
Her daughter, like my son years earlier, was one of the top athletes on the team. The kind of player coaches rely on. The kind younger players look up to.
That’s another piece people don’t always talk about.
Coaches who behave this way often build especially close relationships with their strongest athletes. It gives them influence within the team, and the attention can feel like recognition instead of something to question.
Together we started seeing a pattern.
So we did what parents are supposed to do.
We spoke up.
My friend went to the school where the coach teaches and reported what she was seeing. We reported concerns through SafeSport and submitted evidence. We tried to warn other parents about what we were noticing.
But there was one problem.
Without the consent of the families whose children were directly affected, nothing could move forward.
So the situation stayed exactly where it was.
The coach continued coaching.
He continued teaching.
And the parents who were trying to protect those girls were left feeling helpless.
Watching my friend go through that was incredibly hard.
She did everything she could to protect those kids. She pushed for answers and tried to get people to listen.
Instead of support, she found herself isolated.
And I knew exactly how that felt.
Because that’s often what happens when someone speaks up in youth sports.
At first you assume other parents must see the same things.
But slowly you realize most people are looking the other way.
Some don’t want to believe it.
Some don’t want the drama.
And some are simply afraid their child might miss out if they rock the boat.
Youth sports can create that kind of pressure.
Parents worry about opportunities, teams, playing time, scholarships. The fear of missing out can keep people quiet even when something doesn’t feel right.
There’s another thing that happens in youth sports that people rarely talk about.
Sometimes families just quietly disappear.
A kid who used to be on the team suddenly isn’t there anymore.
No big announcement. No explanation.
Maybe a quick comment about schedules or trying something new.
But later you realize those parents saw something too.
They just didn’t feel safe enough to say it out loud.
Eventually our family made the decision to walk away.
Not because it was easy.
Not because our child didn’t love the sport.
But because sometimes the most important job we have as parents isn’t helping our kids chase the next opportunity.
Sometimes it’s protecting them.
Even when nobody else understands why.
I don’t know if everyone will ever understand why some families spoke up or why others chose to leave.
And honestly, that’s okay.
Because my job as a parent isn’t to make other people comfortable.
My job is to protect my child.
And sometimes that means trusting your gut-
even when nobody else wants to hear it.
Sometimes the parents who speak up first aren’t trying to cause trouble.
Sometimes they’re simply the ones who have seen the warning signs before.
If Something Doesn’t Feel Right
If you’re a parent reading this and something about your child’s coach makes you uncomfortable, trust that feeling.
You don’t have to wait for something extreme to happen before paying attention.
Talk to your child.
Pay attention to boundaries.
Document anything that seems concerning.
And if you believe a coach’s behavior crosses a line, there are organizations that exist specifically to protect young athletes.
You can learn more about warning signs and how to report concerns through the U.S. Center for SafeSport. If sharing this helps even one parent trust their instincts, then telling this story is worth it.
Most importantly, remember this:
You are not a “difficult parent” for protecting your child.
You are doing exactly what a parent is supposed to do.
If sharing this helps even one parent trust their instincts, then telling this story is worth it.